


No Regrets

by carpeziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Flash Forward, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Reunions, Ziam fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:09:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3637947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpeziam/pseuds/carpeziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The contract, when it arrived was thick and heavy.  Of course the lawyers had gone over it, looking for problems, looking for traps, but there was only one.  The reunion show would only go ahead if all five agreed to it.</p><p>Five years ago, Liam and Zayn had torn each other, and in the process, the band, apart.  </p><p>Surely it was too little, too late....?</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> I had started this before the week that was, but wanted to finish it to help me process some of how I'm feeling. Comments and kudos as always are welcomed.
> 
> I hope the real story ends happily, in whatever form happy looks like.

The contract, when it arrived was thick and heavy.  Of course the lawyers had gone over it, looking for problems, looking for traps, but there was only one.  The reunion show would only go ahead if all five agreed to it.

“They’ll never do it.” Niall said, phone tucked between his chin and his shoulder as he locked the double doors at the front of his music school, fast becoming the most prestigious in the UK.  At the other end of the line, Harry and Louis had him on speaker phone.  Harry groaned and put his head on the table as Louis shook his head.  “Don’t be so negative Nialler, five years have passed; a lot can change in that time.  Both of them have moved on, surely.”

After things had turned sour and their worlds fell apart, Harry and Louis decided to move to LA.  They couldn’t breathe in London for the media scrutiny and after the years of intense travel and suitcase living, they wanted a house of their own and a chance to just be.  After a year of decompressing, they dipped their toes back into the music world, writing and producing for new artists.  Harry had an eye for talent and Louis’ songwriting blossomed once he had time to focus and channel his energy into one thing, instead of trying to be good at a million things at once.

Niall jumped in his car and connected his phone to the car audio system.  “Have you seen Zaynie lately?  I heard his latest track on the radio last week and I texted him but heard nothing…. you realise that song is clearly about Li, right?”   Harry began to sing, doing his best to replicate Zayn’s smooth vocals; y _ou were the only one, my pleasure, my pain, my only one_.  “It really is, but Zayn swore to us it’s about nobody in particular.” Harry finished.  “We saw him a few weeks ago when we were in New York for a recording session,” Louis interjected, answering Niall’s question, “but he didn’t have much time for us.  I think we remind him too much of the past to be honest.”

 

“Like I said, they’ll never do it.” Niall sighed, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited at the lights.  “Neither of them will ever talk about it and they barely want to see us at all, let alone talk to each other, _let alone_ spend time in the same place rehearsing.  Sorry lads, I want this as much as you do, but I just can’t see it happening.”

Louis ran his hands through his hair as Harry planted a kiss on his shoulder.  “Nialler, Haz and I can’t get to London to convince Li, can you go down and see him?  It’s been too long, we need to do something.”  “Yeah, I can do that, I’ve got a few errands to run on the weekend anyway, so I’ll drop past his studio.  Don’t hold your breath though lads.”

The three of them knew it was almost a lost cause, they’d watched Li and Zayn fall in love and then they’d watched them destroy each other, bringing down the band in the process. 

-/-

 

Seven years ago, Harry was the first to suspect there was something happening between Zayn and Liam.  Their on-stage personas were following them off stage more and more and the sexual tension was becoming unbearable.   One night after a particularly hot and sweaty show in Brazil, he crawled into bed next to Louis and slid his hands over his stomach.

“I can’t watch them anymore Lou, the frustration is killing me.”

“Who?” Louis replied, rolling onto his side and hooking his legs through Harry’s. 

“Zaynie and Li.  They’re so obviously into each other, I can’t stand it anymore.”

“They really are, aren’t they!  I hope they get it together, it’s about time both of them were happy….” Louis voice trailed off as Harry kissed the side of his neck, pulling him closer.

“Lemme work this frustration off Lou. At least some of us should be getting off on it!”

-/-

 

Zayn was outside at the hotel pool on that night, jeans rolled up, feet dangling in the cool water as he had a cigarette.  The night was warm but the breeze was cool on his skin as he rested back on his arm and enjoyed the peace and quiet which had become so rare in his life. 

The silence was interrupted by a splash at the deep end of the pool.  Liam dove in, water splashing up onto the ground where Zayn sat.

He grinned as he resurfaced.  “Did I put that cigarette out?  You know smoking will kill you Zaynie!”  Zayn shook his head as he kicked up, splashing Liam in the face. “Want a drag?” Liam waded over and lifted his chin as Zayn put the cigarette to his mouth, his thumb brushing the underside of his face.  He watched as Liam inhaled, fingertips brushing Liam’s lips as they curled around the tip of the cigarette. Zayn felt the flip in his stomach and the stretch in his pants, which was becoming more and more familiar when he and Liam would spend time together. 

  
As Liam exhaled, he splashed gently.  “You should get in here, the water is beautiful.”  Zayn shook his head, “you know I can’t swim Li.” “Mmmmmmmmmmmm I know” he replied, flicking water towards Zayn, “I just wanted to see you wet.”  Zayn’s face flushed as Liam lifted himself out of the pool and sat on the edge next to him, water beading over his body.

“Sure I can’t tempt you?” Liam whispered into his ear, his hair dripping onto Zayn’s bare arms.  Before Zayn had a chance to reply, Liam kissed him, breathing “too late” into his mouth. 

Zayn kissed him back, tasting Liam for the first time, tongue pushing into his mouth.  He moaned softly; he’d wanted this for almost a year.  As their connection had grown stronger and stronger Zayn had moved quickly past the point of needing a best friend to desperately wanting something more.

“Inside, now.” Zayn ordered gruffly in a voice that Liam had never heard before.  He sounded like sex, voice gravelly and low. Zayn pulled his feet from the water and walked towards the hotel, leaving Liam scrambling to wrap a towel around his waist to hide the fact he was already semi hard and hurry behind him. 

When they stepped into the lift, Liam pushed Zayn against the wall, pinning him underneath him.  “I didn’t know if you wanted this babe.”  Zayn kissed him as the numbers on the panel grew higher, “It’s all I want.  You’re all I want Li.”

That was the first time, but there were many firsts. The first time they spent the night in each other’s arms, the first time they told the boys how they felt about each other, the first time they admitted they were in love.  The world turned around them, but they always had each other.

-/-

 

Liam had hung up when the promoter’s call came through about the reunion show.  “No way,” he said to himself as he sat down at his computer to begin sorting through the day’s emails, “never again.”  He’d started a different life since the band had gone their separate ways, buying a huge loft and converting it into a recording studio. 

These days he made very little of his own music anymore, leaving the studio free for established artists to lay down their tracks and put albums together, just like he used to love to do.  He was still passionate about music, but he just couldn’t… he just…. since…. well, he just couldn’t do it anymore.

They hadn’t spoken for five years and there wasn’t a day when Liam didn’t feel the pinch in his heart when he woke up and the other side of his bed was cold.  Between them, he and Zayn had ruined each other, broken up their band and hurt their three best friends.  The guilt he felt was poisonous when combined with the heartbreak that he just couldn’t shake. 

Liam was still embarrassed to spend time with Niall, Harry and Louis.  He opened up the studio to the boys when they came to London for recording sessions and he’d have the occasional pint with Niall, but it hurt too much to see them any more than that.  He missed their friendship so much that it ached, but any time he’d let them too close, they’d ask about Zayn and well….

-/-

 

Harry and Louis touched down at JFK and got a cab straight to Zayn’s apartment.  Zayn was the only one who’d tried a solo singing career and he’d become the darling of the New York scene.  He mixed with a different crowd to the one the boys were comfortable with and most of the time he was cold and distant when they tried to talk to him. 

Well that’s how it felt from the outside anyway.  On the inside, being aloof felt like the only way that Zayn could cope with letting the boys into his life.  He too felt ashamed for the way things had ended and for the way he and Liam had brought everything crashing down. 

The doorman let Harry and Louis straight into Zayn’s building; he’d been told to expect them.  They rode the elevator to the top floor in silence, Louis’ thumb brushing over Harry’s hand which he held just a little too tight.  When they reached the penthouse, Harry spoke, mainly to convince himself.  “He’s our brother.  We love him.  We can do this.”  Louis squeezed his hand tighter as the doors opened into Zayn’s sweeping apartment. 

“I’m not doin’ it.”  Were the first words to leave Zayn’s mouth as they walked in “I don’t care how much you try and convince me, I’m not doin’ it.”  He sat on the lounge, playing Xbox, eyes focused on the TV. 

Louis lost his patience.  Five years of not knowing, five years of nothing, were five years too many. 

“Malik I don’t give a fuck what you think!  We’re going to sit here and talk this out and we’re not leaving until you give us a good fucking reason why you wouldn’t want to spend one night on stage with your four best fucking friends.”

“s’nice to see you Zaynie” Harry mumbled sheepishly as he picked up the controller that Louis had grabbed from Zayn’s hand and thrown against the wall. 

Thankfully, Zayn laughed; an old fashioned, crinkly eyed laugh that the boys had seen so many times before.  “Sounds like we’re going to need beers then” he said, walking towards the kitchen.  Quieter, with his back turned to the boys, he said “is Nialler doing this with Li too?”  It was the first time Harry and Louis could remember him mentioning Liam since the morning he stormed out of the hotel and got on the next flight home. 

Harry nodded as he accepted a beer from Zayn.  “Yup, we’re dividing and conquering.  Unless you two want to sort it out on your own?  But you know, that would involve talking to each other….”  Harry grinned as Zayn took a long chug.  

“Alright” Zayn said finally, “where do you want me to start?”

-/-

 

At the same time, Niall sat himself down in a booth at the pub round the corner from Liam’s house and waited.  He wasn’t sure if Liam would even bother to show and even if he did, he wasn’t as good as Harry and Louis at the touchy feely stuff. 

Two pints sloshed onto the table as Liam thumped them down, snapping Niall from his thoughts.  “I’m not doin’ it Nialler.  Don’t waste your breath.”  He sat down as Niall took a long sip of his drink. 

“Why not, Li?  What the hell happened?”

-/-

 

Six years ago, the five of them were on top of the world.  They were in America for an awards ceremony where they’d debuted their new single and collected a couple of awards for good measure.  At 2am they skipped out of the after party early and got the car back to the hotel together, still buzzing from the drinks at the club and the high of their success during the evening.    

“You know what I love?” Niall slurred, twisting around awkwardly from where he sat in the front passenger seat. “I love that my four best friends are in love.  Look at ya, so adorable!”  He turned back around as Liam snuggled into Zayn’s side, watching Harry doze on Louis’ shoulder.  “You sleepy Li?” Zayn whispered in his ear as he brushed his fingers over the front of Liam’s trousers. Liam smirked and tipped his head towards Zayn’s to kiss him “Not at all.  I have energy to burn.”

Security whisked the five of them inside and they went their separate ways, Liam and Zayn slipping into the suite they were sharing, same as they’d done for close to a year since they’d told everybody they were together. 

“I think,” Liam began casually as he kicked off his shoes and unbuttoned his shirt, “I’d like a soak in the tub.  Then, once I get out, I’d really like you to fuck me.”  Zayn raised his eyebrows from where he sat on the bed.  “Who am I to say no to that Leeyum?  I’ll be waiting.” 

Half an hour later, Zayn was almost asleep when the bathroom door opened and Liam came out, steamy mist following him from the room.  He always ran his baths far too hot, leaving his skin warm and soft and every mirror foggy.

“You sleeping baby?” Liam asked, leaning gently over Zayn and kissing his forehead.  “mmmmnup, you smell good Li, warm and delicious.”  Zayn opened his eyes lazily and took in the sight before him.  Liam was naked but for a towel wrapped low around his waist.  His nipples, covered by coarse black hair were hard as a result of leaving the hot bathroom for the cool of the bedroom and Zayn reached up to touch them, running his fingers over Liam’s chest and down the trail of hair snaking underneath his towel.

Zayn propped himself up and pulled at Liam’s towel, dropping it to the floor.  He grinned; he couldn’t help himself.  Liam was the most perfect man he’d ever seen.  Granted, he was the _only_ man he’d ever seen but he knew nothing would ever compare, so why even bother.  The v of Liam’s hips dipped into his dark hair cropped close around his cock, already hard just by watching Zayn watch him.  Zayn himself was stiff and very uncomfortable in his tight jeans, which he wriggled out of as Liam rustled in the bag next to the bed for everything Zayn would need.

“You really are serious tonight, aren’t you babe” Zayn murmured as Liam threw a bottle of lube at him, clipping the side of his head.  “uh huh” Liam replied, kissing the place where the bottle had hit him, the smell of his skin intoxicating Zayn.  He sat up on top of Liam, straddling his legs while he opened the bottle and slicked his fingers up. 

Underneath him, Liam shook his head. “No fingers, no.  I’m soft, I’m warm, just take me.”  He was whimpering, touching his own cock as he looked up at Zayn with those puppy dog eyes that Zayn couldn’t say no to.  Ever.  Zayn kept his eyes locked on his love as he rubbed his slick fingers over his own cock and then over Liam’s hole, watching his eyes glaze at the first hint of contact. He could feel Liam bucking his hips underneath him, greedy and desperate for him. 

Zayn shuffled down the bed slightly and with one hand on Liam’s hip, he guided himself inside of him.   He heard the familiar hiss from Liam as he pushed in further, but he kept his eyes closed, enjoying the sensation without being overstimulated by looking at Liam’s face.  When he bottomed out, he held still, waiting for Liam to let him know he was ok.  They were so comfortable with each other, in such a good place that it only took the slightest shift from Liam underneath him to know he was ready.

With his hands on Liam’s shoulders, he began to thrust, pulling almost the whole way out before slamming back in, brushing Liam’s prostate.  He couldn’t not look at Liam at that point, mouth slack and tongue hanging loose from his lips, pink and wet.  “More” Liam moaned, “please baby more.” 

Beneath him, Liam’s cock was flush against his stomach, precome leaking against his skin.  Zayn wrapped a fist around and began to pump awkwardly, using every last piece of adrenaline he had to bring them both to climax.  Normally it was him being fucked, so he always wanted to make it good for Liam when he wanted it the other way.    

“Oh fuck, Zayn that feels….” Liam couldn’t finish the sentence, lifting his hips high and squeezing himself around Zayn.  Zayn himself couldn’t speak either; sweat dripping from his brow as his fingers were soaked with Liam’s cum. 

With a final thrust, he came into Liam, hot liquid filling him up and dripping back down his thighs as Zayn collapsed against his chest, sticky from his own mess.  Gently he withdrew from and he felt Liam relax completely, eyes rolling back into his head as he tried to regain his breath. 

“y’ok baby?” Zayn asked as he kissed Liam’s forehead before pulling a box of tissues from the nightstand to clean them both as much as he could without getting up.  Liam nodded and kicked the sheets down the bed before slipping under them and pulling them back up. “Sleep, I need sleep.  Come here baby boy.”  He pulled Zayn close to him, his entire body enfolding Zayn’s smaller frame.

They were in that perfect place.  Nothing could touch them. 

-/-

 

“I just fucked it all up.” Zayn said, focusing intently on peeling the label from his bottle of beer.  “We had it all and I fucked it up because I’m a fucking idiot.”

Louis shook his head.  “Zaynie, you’re not.  You’re not at all.  But what the hell happened? You and Li really did seem to have it all, and then the next thing we knew, you were on a plane without even saying goodbye.”

“Nialler I fucked it up.” Liam finally said after swallowing the last of his pint.  “I knew he wasn’t happy and I ignored it because I was too selfish, I didn’t want him to go.  But he didn’t see another way out, so he left.”

“This calls for another pint.” Niall suggested, sliding himself out of the booth.  “Don’t go anywhere; we’re picking this up as soon as I get back from the bar.

Harry asked the question that he, Louis and Niall had asked themselves thousands of times over the past five years.  “Zaynie, what went wrong?  You were so happy, and then you weren’t….did we do something?”  Zayn looked at him, wide eyed.  “No! You three were perfect.  You FOUR were perfect.  I just thought I wanted something I didn’t.”

“He’d told me about a year before he packed up and left that he wasn’t happy” Liam confessed, gratefully taking the glass from Niall and resting it on the coaster in front of him.  “But the five of us!  We were….well, you know what we were.  We were on a ride bigger than any of us could have dreamed of, and he and I….” Liam’s voice trailed off and he shrugged as he took a sip of the drink in front of him.  “You were in love.” Niall finished, putting his hand across the table and resting it gently on Liam’s forearm.  “I know, Li.”

“Liam knew ages before you lads that I wasn’t happy.  In hindsight, he was scared I think - thought I was leavin’ him and you lads without thinkin’ things through properly.”  Zayn curled his knees up to his chest and picked at the rips in his jeans, the sleeves of his cardigan pulled low over his fingers.  “And lads, I hadn’t thought things through.  We were so famous and I was so….”

“In love.  We know.” Louis finished, nodding reassuringly at Zayn as Harry scooted over and wrapped his arms around him.  “Li loved you too, Zaynie” he cooed, “you weren’t alone in it.”

“Loved.  Past tense.” Zayn snipped, before dragging his hand over his face.  “I just couldn’t cope with it anymore.  I wanted to go and be free.  Not free from Liam, not free from you lads, just free from all the rules and the schedule and the everything.”  He laughed bitterly as Harry leant his head on his shoulder.  “Pretty stupid, huh?  Thinkin’ I could leave and be free?  I was never going to be free.”

Niall wasn’t good at this.  “Harry would know what to ask” he thought to himself as he watched Liam struggling to explain the past five years away.   

“I was scared Niall,” Liam whispered, head down, “he wanted out so badly, and I was so scared that if I was supportive, I’d never see him again.  I was scared he’d go home, make music that made him happy and find a perfect life that didn’t involve me.”  Liam exhaled loudly, rubbing his hands through his hair, closely cropped to his head in a vain attempt to avoid attention. “So I gave him an ultimatum.”

“Mmmmmmmmm, so the night before I left, he made me choose.”  Louis gasped at what he heard.  It was so unlike Liam to be so forceful, he didn’t think he would have had it in him.  Zayn continued “and well I chose wrong, didn’t I.”

-/-

 

Liam bounced into the hotel room after a few drinks with the boys.  Zayn didn’t want to go out, again, but Liam was so sick of being trapped inside night after night that when Josh and Dan and Harry suggested a couple of quiet ones, he was right on board.

“You right babe?” he asked when he saw Zayn sitting in the armchair by the window, staring blankly out to the city skyline.  Zayn shrugged, not bothering to turn around to look at him.  “m’over it babe.  Don’t want to be here anymore.  Want to go home.”

Liam sighed as he folded his clothes and slipped into a pair of grey sweatpants.  They’d been over this hundreds of times in the past few months.  “So go Zaynie.  I can’t force you to stay anymore.”  Zayn turned around and looked at him, holding onto the back of the armchair and resting his chin on his forearm. “Come with me?”

“Nup.” Liam shook his head.  “We’re meant to be in this thing together.  Here.  You, me, Nialler, Lou and Haz.  And you and me. We made a commitment and we still have two years to go, that’s the promise we made and I don’t break my word Zaynie.  After that, I want to go home with you, I want a life with you and I want to explore a future together.  But for now, I’m staying where I am.  And if you go now, you go without me and you go without my support.”

Zayn turned around and looked out the window again.  “m’gonna go.”  He mumbled, so quietly Liam wasn’t sure what he’d heard.  “What did you say?” he asked, heart beginning to pound through his bare chest. “I’m going Li.  I’m sorry.”

Liam ran his hands through his hair, which was long on the top letting his curls peek through.  “Well you better fucking well tell the other three.  Don’t make me do your dirty business.”  He turned down the bed, took off his pants and slid under the sheets, turning the light out on Zayn still sitting in the chair.

A few minutes later he felt Zayn climb in next to him, the last time they’d share a bed together.

“Leeyum I love you.  Please never forget that.”

-/-

 

“I can’t just pick up where we left off, Niall.” Liam said finally, after they’d had many more drinks to ease the pain of the story he’d just told.   “It still hurts.  I still miss him.  And he’s so far gone from my life it’s not funny.  He’s a big deal, he moves in circles that I would never fit into…. I’m just a normal guy now.”

“I can’t stand on stage with him and look him in the eyes lads.  I abandoned him.  He’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met and I walked away from that.  There’s no way he’ll ever want anything to do with me again.”  Louis opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, Harry’s phone rang.  It was Niall.  They’d arranged to check in before it got too late in London to touch base.

Niall watched Liam drive away in a taxi before he dialled Harry’s number.  It took six rings before he picked up. 

“Sorry Nialler, had to duck out of the room before I picked up.  How’d you get on?”

“Good, I think.   Haz he still loves Zaynie, it’s so clear.  He promised me he’d sign the contract, so at least we’ll have our reunion, if Zee agrees too.  Does he?”

“Yeah, I think we’ll get there.  He thinks he’s let us all down, but Lou’s in there now promising that he didn’t, and that we still love him.  He said Li’s the most incredible person he’s ever met.” 

“Oh.” Niall said quietly.  “That’s nice.”

“Agreed.” Harry replied.  “Look, I better get back in there, but it looks like I’ll be seeing you very soon.  Miss you brother.”

Harry walked back into the lounge room to see Zayn sitting on the floor at the coffee table, putting his signature on the last of the pages.

“Zee that was Nialler.  He spent the night with Liam, and he’s signed the paperwork too.”

Louis looked up and clasped his hands together in front of his chest, eyes glowing with excitement.  Zayn, on the other hand looked terrified.

“So this is really happenin’.  Fuck.”

-/-

 

Tickets sold out in 39 seconds.  The world’s press went insane.  Even more insane than they had been in the past, if that was humanly possible.  It was all arranged, a week of private rehearsals in Los Angeles before they flew home for a one off show at O2 Arena. 

Harry and Louis fussed about the house on the day their travellers were due to arrive, changing the linen on the guest beds and filling the fridge with drinks and food.  “Lou, I’m nervous.  What if this turns into World War Three?”  Louis planted a quick kiss on his head and wrapped his arms around his waist.  “It can’t.  It won’t.  They love each other as much as we do. 

Zayn arrived first, his flight getting in early.  His all black outfit looked out of place in the Californian sunshine as he stood on the porch of the house waiting to be let inside.  When the door swung open he was smothered in a hug that 2014 Zayn was well used to but that 2020 Zayn hadn’t experienced in a long time.  “You’re here!” Louis exclaimed as Harry grabbed the bags from his hands and dragged him inside.  “I am…. is anyone else?” Zayn replied, trying desperately to sound casual but fooling nobody. 

“Just you lovey.” Louis answered. “They’re due here in about an hour.  Enough time for you to freshen up.” Zayn nodded, grateful for the unspoken words.  He went upstairs and took a few moments to lie on the bed and collect his thoughts.  Before he knew it, he could hear Niall’s voice filtering up the stairwell closely followed by Liam’s giggle, an unmistakeable sound that grabbed at Zayn’s heart every single time he heard it.  He slipped into the bathroom, splashed cool water on his face, ignored the butterflies going manic in his stomach and the feeling that his feet were concreted to the ground and left the room. 

Harry had opened the door to the two boys and flung his arms wide, bringing them both into a tight hug.  “God I miss you.” He whispered, tears welling in his eyes.  “Louuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!” Niall yelled, “Harry’s getting emotional already.  I’m goin’ home.”  Liam laughed as Louis appeared in the hall. “Harry, get the bags inside and you two get over here.” Lou pulled them close just as Harry had done.  When they separated, Zayn was standing at the foot of the stairs.

“Hello you two” he managed, struck by the look of terror on Liam’s face that matched the one plastered across his own.  “Hi Leeyum.”

“Oh yes, hello Zayn, lovely to see you, thanks for replying to all my messages.” Niall joked, launching at him for a hug five years in the making.  “Come on Nialler, I’ve got a room for you upstairs and then there’s beer in the fridge.” Louis said, pulling Niall upstairs with one hand and dragging Harry along with the other.

Liam stood frozen, rooted to the spot. 

“Zaynie” he whispered, tears welling in his eyes.

“Leeyum.” Zayn replied, his mind incapable of saying anything else. 

They stood for the longest time, neither knowing what to say.  Finally, Liam sat on the floor, unable to keep himself upright anymore.  “How are you?” he asked, staring at his shoes.

Zayn shook his head as he sat on the bottom step.  “Not good Li.  I….. I’m empty.”

Liam looked up and saw Zayn’s face just as wet as his own. “But you’re doing so well!  Your music is amazing, it’s just perfect – I listen whenever you’re on the radio at home.”

“My music is all you Li.” Zayn mumbled, running his hands through his hair.  Liam couldn’t hear what he had said over the thumping of his own heart.  “Say again?” 

Zayn lifted his head and locked eyes with Liam.  “My music is you.  You inspire me, you’re in my head when I write, when I perform, when I sleep.  Li, you’re in everything I do.”

Liam was done, he put his head in his hands and he cried.  Five years of pent up tears flooded his hands.  In front of him was everything he’d lost and he realised at that moment that Zayn had suffered as much as he had.   

Zayn peeled himself off the step and crawled over to where Liam sat.  All of the energy had drained from his body and the only thing he could do was to grab Liam’s face and press his lips to his forehead.  “You were my world and I will never forgive myself for walking away.” He whispered, touching his forehead to Liam’s.

“I didn’t support you enough.  I should have looked after you better.” Liam replied between choking crying breaths.  “Zayn I loved you.  I still love you.”

“I still love you too.  Not knowing you for these five years has been the worst thing to ever happen to me.”

The sound of crying filled the hallway, making Liam and Zayn look to the top of the stairs.  Harry was a mess, burying his head into Louis’ shoulder to muffle his sobs.  Even Niall was misty eyed.

“Are you three spying on us?  What is this, seven years ago?” Zayn joked, a familiar twinkle in his eye shining through.  “How ‘bout you lads come down here and we have a proper fuckin’ dinner with the five of us.  Like old times.”

As they rushed down the stairs, Zayn pressed his lips against Liam’s.  “Can we pick this up tonight?”  Liam kissed him back “yes, yes yes yes.”

-/-

 

After all the beers in Harry and Louis’ fridge were drunk and the pizza was all eaten, Zayn tapped his rings against an empty bottle.  “Lads, I need to apologise.”  “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo” the others chorused, arms and legs tangled in and around one another.

“No lads, I do.  I walked out and I never said goodbye and then I disappeared for so many years.  I know we’d talk sometimes, but I was emotionally gone and you all knew it.  I will never forgive myself for splitting us apart the way I did.  I should have done it better, thought it out better.  And I’m sorry.”

“No more sorry.” Liam said.  “It’s done.  Life goes on.  We’re all ok.”

“One more.” Zayn interrupted “Liam Payne, I never should have left without taking you with me.  I loved you then and I love you now.  Leaving you is the regret of my life.”

All Liam could do was shake his head.  He grabbed Zayn’s hand and kissed his fingers “I love you too.  I’m here.  No regrets.”

Louis’ eyes shone brightly.  “How about you two head off to bed.  We’ll tidy up down here.”

-/-

 

Zayn shut the door of the bedroom behind them once they got upstairs.  “Li, I have a confession to make.” Zayn began as he sat on the bed.  “Oh god” Liam replied, following his lead and sitting beside him.  “I can’t handle anything more tonight!”

“I haven’t… since… I haven’t been with anybody since you Li.”

Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn’s neck and kissed him gently.  “Neither have I.  Zaynie I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life alone.  There is nobody else.”

Zayn pulled his singlet over his head and fumbled with the buttons on Liam’s shirt in silence.   “I think I should move back to London.”   Liam brushed the hair from Zayn’s eyes and rested his hand on his cheek.  “Please do, if you can.  I want my boy back, I don’t want my bed to be cold anymore.  Our bed.”

“I should never have let it go cold Leeyum” Zayn started, before Liam put a finger across his lips.

“No regrets Zaynie.  No regrets.”

-/-

 


End file.
